


Six Years

by jazzyo3



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Angst, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Oneshot, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-19
Updated: 2013-06-19
Packaged: 2017-12-21 17:32:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/902966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jazzyo3/pseuds/jazzyo3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It had been six years ago today; 72 months, 313 weeks, 2,191 days — June 19th, 2013.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Six Years

**Author's Note:**

> I felt compelled to write this, and I’m not completely sure why, but I’m kind of glad I did. My brother committed suicide six years ago so the things I wrote about in here are things I think about all the time. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> (WARNING: Mentions of a past suicide and grieving)

Six years.

It had been six years ago today; 72 months, 313 weeks, 2,191 days -- June 19th, 2013. Gavin expected to wake up with a throbbing headache, receive maybe three or four _"I'm so sorry, you're so strong, he'd be proud of you"_ texts, and ache his way through the rest of the day with the aid of Kleenex and Lorazepam. Maybe he'd watch some episodes of that TV show they used to love, or cook the meal they used to always eat together. Most likely, though, he'd just stay in bed and cry.

When he did wake up that morning, though, he felt fine. Well, he felt weird, but only because he wasn't _expecting_ to feel fine. He decided to embrace this “okay” state and he took a shower and got dressed. An hour had passed, and he still felt fine. Maybe today wouldn't be so bad after all.

Since he was up and going, he figured he might as well get some errands done, so he went to the grocery store. The stares that he'd always received at the store didn't even faze him today, and he managed to get a whole car-full of groceries. He still had some energy to spare so he called Geoff and made plans to meet up with the rest of their friends.

They gathered at Michael's house and things were okay. Things were... pretty great, actually. The dull ache that usually plagued Gavin wasn't hanging over him as badly as it would any other day and he was enjoying himself with his friends. All beers, video games, jokes and smiles.

Then it hit him.

With it being six years since it happened, not many people remembered the date anymore, so they didn't understand why Gavin left in a sudden flurry of choked apologies and heavy breathing. They watched as he fled to his car and started it up, driving off into the steadily darkening night.

Gavin rolled all four of the windows down on the way there. As he sped down the country road, the chill air collided against his face from each direction and he loved the sting of it. In that moment, that very second, he just wanted to feel something other than regret.

He only bothered to slow down when he reached the entrance to the graveyard. He inched to a stop along the side of one of the paths that cut through it and he spent a good two minutes just sitting still in his car before he got out, leaving his buzzing phone behind. The silence suffocated him as he padded across the concrete and stepped in and out of the lamps' pools of light.

Near the opposite end of the cemetery, he finally reached the stretch of lawn he'd walked upon too many times. He passed a few headstones and lowered himself to sit cross-legged in front of the one he was well acquainted with. The air prompted goosebumps to rise from his skin and he flipped up the hood on his sweatshirt. He gazed at the engraved stone for what felt like an eternity before speaking out loud.

"Hey, Ray."

He cleared his throat after those two words and took a deep breath before continuing.

"Six years. I can't... I can't fucking believe it. It feels like just damn yesterday you were here with me, having a laugh and smiling." He sniffed and folded his arms tight against the cold. "I'm sorry I almost didn't come. I guess I -- I guess I just thought that today would be easy, for some reason. I mean, it's been six years for God's sake. But Ray, they... they didn't even remember. I found you hanging in the garage six years ago, and they didn't remember.

"It doesn't really bother me, though. I know they don't mean to forget. They're just not in my shoes, I guess. And who am I to blame them when I wasn't even planning on coming here tonight?"

He let out a single laugh and a few moments of silence passed before he broke it again.

"I remember when you told me, you said, 'Gav, why don't you just set your clocks thirty minutes ahead? Then maybe you'd actually be on time.' Well, I hope I wasn't late tonight.

"You know, sometimes I think I miss things we did together -- like swimming, for instance. But after a while I've realized that it's not so much what I _did_ with you as it is _you_ while we were doing it. Like how your hair would plaster straight down your face when you pulled out of the water and how you would complain about getting water in your ear _every time_ we’d go swimming. And how your skin managed to burn way easier than mine did even when you would try and stay in the shade. Things like that. Yeah, I miss the memories, but most of all I miss you. I can keep memories forever, but you're dead, and you can't come back. It really fucking sucks, I'll tell you what."

The tip of his nose started to sting and a lump swelled in his throat. Before he knew it, tears were streaming down his cheeks and landing on the surface of his jeans, accompanied by small, pained gasps.

"Wh-Why did you leave me? It's so hard without you." He swallowed hard and wiped at his face to try and compose himself.

"I can't tell you how many times people have had the audacity to say to me, _'He was selfish. Suicide is for cowards and you should be ashamed of him.'_ Ray, can you **believe** that? People are fucking cruel. I will never believe that you're a coward or you're selfish. You're not. You were just... weak. Part of me still fucking hates you for it every day, though.

"But I didn't break a guy's nose when he said you were going to Hell for your 'sins' for nothing, Ray. There's nothing in the world I wouldn't do for you and that still stands. I have to defend you. You're not here to defend yourself. And sometimes, sometimes I worry... I'm scared that I might start forgetting you. I hated myself when I went to the mall and I couldn't even remember what brand of shorts you always bought. What if tomorrow I don't remember what you smelled like? And what if there were no pictures of you; would I be able to remember your face?"

Gavin rubbed at his eyes once more and pulled himself off the ground.

"Ah, well… I should go now. Maybe I'll bring you some roses tomorrow. Would you like that, X-Ray?" He rested the tips of his fingers on the top of the tombstone. "Goodnight. I love you."

He started treading back towards the path to his car.

"Wait for me," he muttered.


End file.
